American Idol with J

I decided to give the new season of American Idol a try tonight and see how these changes worked.  I lost interest in this show years ago, but I wanted to see how things would be without Simon.  Turns out that I have my own personal "Simon" sitting next to me watching along.  I have been laughing so hard that I decided to blog along with the show and just jot down the crap that comes out of his mouth.  WARNING...contains unedited J.

"I'm making a career change.  I'm gonna be the new asshole judge on American Idol.  I want to be known as The Shatterer of Dreams."

"If they made me a judge on American Idol I would learn to play the trombone so if someone came on that really sucked I could pull it out and play "The Price is Right" fail music.  Ma-wa-wa-wa Bweeeeeuuuuummm."

"Every week I would bring on some new and random instrument to use.  Like a fuck off big gong."

"The only thing I would worry about is if someone really psychotic was on and they stabbed me in the neck with a nail file or something."

"I even want to edit this show.  I want to put together one of these heart-warming packages about someone and then she just fucking sucks."

(Woman with a very deep voice singing) "DUDE.....that is a dude right?"

"My friend, what are you doing?"

(Brandishing a bottle at the screen)"Boo-hoo.  Shut the hell up before I do you like Pan's Labyrinth"

(Final thoughts)"Well it seems the douche factor increases on this show every year.  And what the fuck is with the hats?  Well I guess they were in New Jersey so..."

I wish I could've gotten a complete transcript of the past 2 hours to share with you, but you'll just have to settle for the snippets I managed to get.  One of these days I'll have to write down what he says when I watch Figure Skating....now that's entertainment!