Struggling

I'm feeling at a bit of a loss lately.  I find myself struggling with a lot of things in life.  It has been a year of ups and downs and the last few days have been quite a roller coaster of emotions.  In all of this, I find myself struggling to find he spirit of Christmas.

Where to begin...well a big stressor lately has been the fact that J is currently unemployed.  While this was not a decision he came to lightly, it has been hard.  Things got really bad at his job and he became very unhappy.  He began having panic attacks each night with the thought of going back there another day.  After discussing it we decided the best course of action was for him to give his notice and leave.  He felt an instant sense of relief.  I started to worry about money.  We decided not to exchange gifts for each other this year to save money and we have done very well at living on a tight budget until he is able to find a new job.  I think I won't feel that sense of relief until he has a new job in place and it's so hard to find something right now going in to Christmas.  I hope the new year will bring a new job for him and bring me a sense of stability.

About a week ago I lost an old friend.  Jo and I grew up together and later she worked for me for a while.  We have stayed in touch over the years although I haven't seen her in person in few years, I have spoken with her quite frequently on facebook.  Last Friday she let me know she was driving back here from where she lives now to visit with her family.  I was really hoping to maybe get the chance to see her and her brother even just quickly before she went home.  Sunday morning her brother posted the following on facebook "woke up, dreaming of taking someone to the hospital.  Weird"  At 11:30 pm the same day he posted this "Need your prayers tonight for my nephews.  They are on their way to the children's hospital.  They were involved in a car collision.  Please, prayers for my boys.  For those that knew my sister I'm sorry but she didn't make it.  Pls, prayers for my boys."  My hand went to my mouth in shock.  Jo was such an amazing person with such a great sense of humor.  She always made me smile and I enjoyed teasing her brother with her.  This hit me really hard.  Jo was dead and her boys were in rough shape.  Since then, her oldest son has been released from the hospital and her youngest has started making progress towards recovery.  Yesterday he was taken off his breathing tube and began breathing on his own since the accident.  Today he was released from the ICU but is expected to be months in recovery and may have to undergo reconstructive surgery.  My heart breaks for her family.

Yesterday there was a tragedy involving 5 young people from my city.  While I don't know them personally it is still a hard thing to hear about.  Four 20 year olds were headed from here to Calgary for 2 of them to fly home for Christmas when the ex boyfriend of one of the girls ended up in a confrontation with them on the side of the highway and he shot and killed his ex-girlfriend and two males in the car, injured the other girl and then turned the gun on himself.  It seems like such a senseless act and such a waste of life.

I find myself very emotional over silly things.  Tonight for example, an episode of "Say Yes to the Dress" had me bawling like a baby.  There was a bride on the show who had been involved in a bad car accident that had claimed the life of both of her parents.  There was a moment in the show when she had found the perfect gown that her aunt hugged her and said "you're parents should be here"  For some reason that really got to me.  I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions in check.  Yesterday an old friend put things into perspective a bit for me with some very kind words.  She has been doing this thing on facebook where everyday she writes a Christmas memory.  She has always been such an excellent writer and storyteller that I found myself enjoying her trips down memory lane.  She wrote a story of a Christmas that I barely remember where I got her a job working the concession at a basketball tournament held during the holidays in our home town.  I wasn't so much the story as the line about me in it.  She said I (have) always been one of the most loyal and devoted human beings (she) has ever met.  I was astounded.  Here I was thinking about how I wished I had said some of these things to people I had lost and she is just doing it.  Telling people what they mean to her without prompting or reason.  It really makes you think.  This meant so much for me to hear why don't we tell people what they mean to us and how they have impacted us when we get the chance?  I am going to strive to do this.  I want people to know these things.  I want them to feel the rewards of their impact even if, like me, they aren't aware of it.

I'm trying to find the positive in life right now.  J and I are healthy (for the most part.  I have 3 cracked molars from grinding my teeth in my sleep) and have a roof over our heads.  We have everything we need in life and even a few frilly extras.  I have a happy and healthy family who I love and I get to spend time with them all this Christmas, with the exception of my brother and his family in Ontario.  I have faith everything will turn out for the best for us.  I just hope that 2012 will be a year with more ups than downs.